The Lonely Deaths of the Lightning Cunts

It's not uncommon for stories around the reign of Prince Daggerdrip to be exaggerated or romanticised beyond reasonable proportions. Daggerdrip's uncharacteristically peaceful seizing of power on Caldezor 9, where beleaguered inhabitants actually signed an agreement in exchange for technological advances from the Prince's fleet, has instead been recorded in history as a devastating slaughter where Daggerdrip's forces unleashed days of violence and mayhem on the natives.

Indeed, the pleasant fields of Caldezor 9 were described by historian Greeblethrax the Lowly as having been transformed into “An exquisite hellscape of flag-planting pomposity.” More level-headed revisionists have clarified that these fields are still, in fact, quite intact and fertile.

With this cultural tendency towards the sensational in recording the 47 year galactic campaign of Prince Daggerdrip, it is surprising then when all accounts of the Lightning Cunts tend to line up as being actually every bit as sensational as people say. For whilst Daggerdrip could blow hot and cold in his approach to planet-conquering, his loyal Lieutenants who spear-headed the majority of these invasions were quite simply every bit as bad as history would have you believe. The Lightning Cunts were the real deal.

A rotating cadre of interplanetary shithawks, the Lightning Cunts had been assembled over the years by Prince Daggerdrip, not only as the aggressive tip of his cosmic spear, but as a purposely frightening legend to be whispered throughout the known worlds to weaken the resolve of those yet to be invaded. Resultingly, the Lightning Cunts played it up, enjoying their status as galactic boogeymen. And in their rotating line-up, amongst whom the most consistent and famous were undoubtedly the specific four who led to the institution's demise, they enjoyed the status and lore that their violent nastiness left on the scorched soil of many a world.

This best known four of the Lightning Cunts- SolarBeast, Torahl the Terror, ReptileRacer and Colette Buckley- attained their notoriety firstly through their staying power within the ranks of Daggerdrip's elite Lieutenants, but also through the sheer theatricality of their wanton blood-drenched chaos. “A good day's space cruelty”, Torahl is said to have frequently uttered when putting his feet up after a long solid solar cycle of stabbing, shooting and generally being a bollix.

Of the other rotating members of the Cunts, there were some seen as even fair and level-headed compared to these Four- hence peaceful transitions such as that on Caldezor 9. These other Cunts had their killers and monsters among them, but never on the level of Beast, Torahl, Racer or Colette. Red Whip Pawletta, a female from the fire world of Emberia whose electronic flame-whip was not only searing to the touch but could constrict at her command, was indeed known for her fearsomeness but even she didn't like working with the Four, having described their antics as “Utterly taking the piss.”

Many a world and planetoid beheld the wrath of ReptileRacer, scorching their sky on his rocket-hog, revving his engine as he showered pulse fire onto the masses below.

Countless cities that fell under Prince Daggerdrip's dominion suffered the vicious stewardship of Torahl the Terror with their subjugation in his “Horror mines”, which were often built in regions with no natural ores to be exploited- thus increasing the frustrated Torahl's cruelty upon the population.

SolarBeast and Colette Buckley had, of course, famously joined the Lightning Cunts as a couple. Colette had been in a party abductees from a planet called Earth, when the science vessel experimenting on them was raided by SolarBeast's own band of pirates. So taken by Colette's beauty was SolarBeast, that he decided not to execute the other passengers on the ship for at least 3 days so they could all be guests at the wedding reception. They formed a partnership, blazing a vile trail of mercenary monstrosities through the system before coming to the attention of Prince Daggerdrip who was eager for them to join his Lightning Cunts, hoping they would bring fresh ideas to the galaxy's torment.

Whilst their marriage ended, they continued a fruitful professional relationship with the Lightning Cunts, not unlike Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks in Fleetwood Mac, Colette herself had noted. But with more enslavement of innocents.

The only thing that drove the Cunts more than turning the air crimson was their loyalty to their master, the galactic conqueror Prince Daggerdrip. Whilst not particularly insistent on each new planet he attained suffering any special form of cruelty, he indulged the Cunts' penchant for it- as it not only deflected the dirty work from him but acted as the perfect form of iron-fisted policing for his new Empire.

But as the decades passed, those other voices amongst the Lightning Cunts- indeed, the less Cunty contingent -began to cry foul. Most vocal amongst them was Joseppi Eucharist.

A fearsome warrior, Eucharist's initial passion for Daggerdrip's crusade had faded when witnessing the putrid actions of the Four and left him rethinking this life he'd chosen over going to art college in the Betelgeuse system.

Eucharist and his progressive allies among the fringe members of the Cunts began to campaign against the heavy-handedness being employed in Daggerdrip's name. Aided even by Red Whip Pawletta, Eucharist had built up quite a movement within the Cunts.

“The Lightning Cunt Reform Act” published in the Year of Meteor Tears, called not only for a radical regulating of the conduct of it's members, but also for the expulsion of both Torahl the Terror and ReptileRacer. The progressive faction also no longer wanted to be known as Lightning Cunts, instead rebranding as the Bolts That Bleed.

It is said SolarBeast and Colette brokered deals behind the scenes with Eucharist and company in order to initially escape their ire, but this seems unlikely, especially when considering that SolarBeast is described in most texts as a 230kg star wolf who only spoke in terrifying howls which made the ears of clerics bleed. He may have been more adept at the written word, however. It's unclear.

Torahl and Racer's sickening genocide of Plutadia Prime had been a breaking point and directed the anger of the galaxy at those two Cunts in particular. There had been nothing out of the ordinary about the sickening genocide, except that it had been meant for Trupladia Ten and not Plutadia Prime, which was in fact a planet friendly and obedient to Daggerdrip. It seems ReptileRacer's resistance to using StarNav^TM, despite Torahl's recommendations during their trip, had seen them take a wrong turn at AlbuQuerzar 9. In effect, the wrong civilisation was wiped out and whilst this made them quite popular on Trupladia Ten, the collective rage elsewhere was hard to ignore.

The Four remaining Cunts fought against these changes and punishments, in the confidence that their always-pleased master would have their backs. This resulted in open hostilities between the 2 factions, with skirmishes occurring between the Bolts That Bleed and the Lightning Cunts. There were whispers that the ultimate winning side might revolt and seize Daggerdrip's power.

It is clear now that not one of the Cunts desired this, maintaining their devotion to their dark Prince.

However, seeing a clear change in galactic culture taking place, and still smarting from having been almost cancelled for his controversial subspace network posts about the gays, an aged and weary Prince Daggerdrip backed the Bolts. Word was given to quell this small civil war, with Daggerdrip's army ordered to henceforth follow only the Bolts That Bleed as the conduit of his commands.

What followed next has famously become known as “The Night of the Weeping Cunts”. Yes, it has been noted that it wasn't necessarily night in each location where the Four found themselves but nevertheless night would soon fall for them all.

Each of the Lightning Cunts was off doing their own thing. Torahl was on the moon of D'Plorax, keeping himself busy, murdering the inhabitants who guarded the valuable ore which existed in the moon's rings. SolarBeast was dining on the bones of the weak. Just typical Thursday night stuff.

Little did they know that Eucharist's agents had set out that very night to bring an end to the Lightning Cunts.

ReptileRacer was the first to go, tracked down to one of the higher-end biker bars of the Druidia system where he had been planning to recruit his fellow space-bikers to the Cunt cause. Franzor Feelix, a newer, inexperienced member of the Bolts was the one who discovered his location. In the ensuing pulse-blaster exchange, the defiant Racer found himself ducked behind the bar, shouting out for any of the other bikers present to aid him against this assassin. But the bikers could see the way the galactic wind was blowing and they each left Franzor to his dark business. ReptileRacer stole a gulp of Lizarrian brandy before leaping up from behind the bar for one final onslaught, only to be torn down by young Franzor's pulse fire.

SolarBeast kicked open the door of his Nightmare Cottage on the planet Dreeahd. Having enjoyed a night of feasting and drinking, he always preferred to empty his bowels outside. It was here that Joseppi Eucharist appeared and pronounced that SolarBeast needn't even fight as the battle had already been lost. His terrified victims this night had been poisoned before he'd feasted upon them. Thus, in his final act of sickening barbarity, the SolarBeast had been his own killer, by poisoning himself.

Joseppi couldn't understand the Beast's howls but the outstretched claw denoted pleading, as the SolarBeast's mouth foamed up and the legendary monster collapsed to the ground, dead.

Colette's bitter end perhaps went the least to plan. Targeted by a number of Bolts That Bleed who all especially detested her for the cruel and slow deaths she was known for doling out, they trapped her in an acid waste disposal unit. They had relished the sound of her beating at the metal walls of the disposal- imploring them to release her, attempting even to bribe them. The Bolts remained determined instead for her death to proceed in the cruel fashion they felt she'd earned.

However, before the machine's acid injection system could take effect on the trash and Colette, the ever-inventive human found a sharp piece of glass amongst the junk pile and plunged it into her own heart, denying her attackers the slow death they'd wished upon her.

Torahl the Terror was collecting the spoils of his victory, as he floated in a spacesuit above D'Plorax, collecting the diamond-like riches that floated in it's rings. He saw the glimmering precious stones fade in their brilliance suddenly, as a shadow appeared on the rocks that he currently floated through. Torahl didn't have a chance to turn before an electronic whip was unfurled and wrapped around his neck. The whip instead spun Torahl around to face his attacker, a stern and determined Red Whip Pawletta who now tightened the whip's hold under Torahl's spacesuit helmet as the Lightning Cunt begged her to stop, through gasps. With one smooth yank back however, Pawletta decapitated Torahl the Terror. His head, with the cut-off point instantly cauterised by the flame-whip, swirled for a moment before floating into the same orbit as the rest of the precious stones. Pawletta is said to have kicked the headless body downward so it would burn up in the atmosphere below, whilst leaving the head to orbit the moon until the end of days.

The Lighnting Cunts had seen their end. Each isolated from their Lightning brethren at the time of their deaths, abandoned by the master their viciousness had served, they had, to a man, all begged for their lives in their final moments. Asking the universe for the mercy that not one of them had ever shown on any world they'd set foot on. This includes Colette's time working for a mysterious Earth entity known as Irish Water.

Their legacy in the cosmos is one of nastiness.

With his usual verbose rhetoric, historian Greeblethrax the Lowly had this to say:

“It was a cruel universe to begin with. But somehow existence had never seen the likes of the Lightning Cunts. Their star-bastardry, their spatial-shit-hawkery, their colourfully cruel sensibilities reached such heights as to take several solar systems' breath away.”